There are only 10 in the article though we know there are several more and that narrows down the possibility to find a normal guy, leaving women with a 7 to 1 probability. So it is possible to end up with one of these guys.
1-Mommy’s boy: his mother usually is worse than a witch, since she cannot magically disappear. The babe has spent his whole life between pillows, in a shiny house, perfect clothes, numbered socks, handkerchief in his pocket, full belly, and ironed underwear without moving a finger. Any girl that has the brilliant idea of peeking into his house, or call and ask for him, will immediately be put in the black list of people who have to become extinct. His girlfriend will have to assume all of her activities will be criticized, no matter what. Whether she goes to the gym or she does not take care of herself, cooks with too much salt or not at all. That she uses too much fabric softener or very little.That she works or is supported by him.
2-Car lovers: group of men that is continuously adding more men. If a woman decides to join her will to one of these fanatics, she has to take into account that every compliment or endearment she hears is not foe her, but to her completely tuned car in which he has invested thousands of outings, dinners, movies, clothes and perfumes which, otherwise, would have been for his woman. Saturday night won´t mean his woman is going to get lucky. Instead, he will take his shiny four-wheeled girlfriend for exhibition. This type of man is only for women with a lover or a car lover as much as him.
3-Addicts: Really screwed guys. Depending on his addiction (alcohol, gambling, drugs, etc.) a woman will expose herself to a variety of situations (all of them gruesome) and living in the constant fear of losing your peace of mind and your belongings. The junky just lives for his bad habit; after every meal, before going to bed, after waking up… it is an advantage that he is always out of the house is he is a gambler. The downside is that maybe someday you will be living on the street as well. If he is into narcotics, just forget it. You will only count on him for talking for hours about cheap philosophy or trying to fly from the bridge in Cacheuta. The drunkards are a whole new level. It´s not even ten AM and they are already emitting cask fermentation odour from an old wine cellar and they start with digestive haemorrhages, oesophagus varicose veins, gastritis, and cirrhosis by their forties or fifties. So, besides having a lot of patience, you´ll have to be a nurse!
4-Drooling guys: we are not talking about the normal drooling guy. We are talking about the pathological one. The guy that watches TV and gets crazy and shouts obscenities at every woman on the screen, including one or two transvestites.The guy that would get laid with half of the world. This man waits until he is with his date to realize that all women are hot and he is not going to hide it. Furthermore, if there is a couple with him or the woman´s co-workers, he feels much more motivated to express himself. If you are going to purchase one of these specimens, you either have too much self-esteem when you notice he´s looking at all the other women, or you either say something like `we already talked about this with the sexologist. Do not get excited until after the penile enlargement treatment´ the first time you get a chance. He will never do it again.
5-Angry guys: Here we are not talking about that anger we all know. We are talking about the guy who thinks he is the fifth Bruce Lee reincarnation because he has been to six Aikido classes. In the face of a slight provocation, he raises his tone of voice and delivers punches, whenever and wherever, ending more than one party at the hospital or at the precinct. Tied to this goes the hatred of those who invited you because they had to. You, my darling girl, will get les and les invitations. Not even your brothers or sisters will want to see him. The whole neighbourhood will hate you because he insulted and threatened all the nice old ladies when they asked him for help, the boys that stood on his yard and the dogs that took a leak at his flower beds. You will not have friends and your kids will go to bed at half past eight because they fear their psycho dad. Chairs, pets and watches will fly they the tiniest problem comes.
6-Depressive/dependant guys: they may seem sweet and tender at the beginning. `I can´t live without you´, `I need you more than anything´, `you are the only good thing I have in my life´. Well, ladies, these words are not that good. They are probably LITERAL. You will realize this when you come back home from a business trip and see that the guy did not have a shower, changes his clothes or ate because he felt there was no meaning without you. He goes crazy when he finds a love letter from an old boyfriend when you were thirteen and ask for explanations like he just caught you `In flagrante delicto´ with his brother. He asks how are you and who are you with all the time, if you still love him (every five minutes) until you inevitably would rather cross Acceso Sur*1 with your eyes closed before answering your phone again. The phone that he bought you and has only one number. He could become dangerous if you leave him: stalking, extortion, suicide threats, etc. Most of them should have a disability card stating `No relations material´.
*1 A very crowded street.
7-Bohemians: I am probably generalizing. But, in this case, we are talking about the guy who does not like to be locked up in offices. He says he knows he was born for something else. Art, literature, music, dancing. He thinks a formal job would crush their artistic spirit. He does not understand and mocks at people who work twelve hours for minimum wage. It is the case of the fellow who has a band for which he lives and breathes, rehearsing every day (sorry, every night) until breaking down. This situation leaves him with no possibility of studying, working or spending time with his family next day. Thirty-nine and still in your house garage? It is not going to work! Get that already and give your family a break! He may get women when he is young, but at this age, I believe a sensible woman would run for the hill. Unless she loves to suffer…
8-Gonifs: Well, it may not be that bad at the beginning if you have no respect for other people´s property. The paranoia will start later. Installing security cameras around the house, multiple bank accounts on acquaintances’ names, together with the subsequent arguments and disappointments because those who seemed loyal either robbed you or screwed you. `I cannot believe this people. OMG! You cannot trust anyone. They steal from you anywhere. I never thought John Doe would screw me like that. We sheared a junk yard and we were partners in daylight robberies (or embezzlement) since we were kinds. If you are going to become accessory to one of these, you should know that money comes and goes, that there are thieves like you everywhere and that there are search cavities in Almafuerte*2.
*2 A prison.
9-Misers: Lady, you´d better have your own job with your own bank account and you never ever tell him your ATM password. Not even for emergencies. A miser wines when there is a double date, wear his father´s old shoes (the ones he was ashamed of since they were really old), wrinkles his forehead when you spent more than ten pesos in his mother birthday present, makes a face when you invite friends over to dinner. He will also tell you `why would you want so many t-shirts/purses/underwear/sandals/medicine if you already bought them last year! If the wife has a job, he will always forget his wallet or will never carry more than twenty pesos with him. In this case he will resort to her money for under any situation, like filling the tank, going to the market, paying taxes, cable, cabs and even the condoms. His presents will be something he will want (like a plasmatv) or something that saves him some money in the foreseeable future (like a twenty metres hose). This guy can be easily spotted in a group. He does not like going out eating or go dancing, wears old clothes, ask for change for the bus, dropped by to your house at dinner time and will ask the waiter to wrap the leftovers, even if it is just bread.
10-Gays: These guys are always clean, always well dressed and smell nice. They listen and answer sincerely when you talk to them, or they tell you to shup the hell up because they are fed up of you chatter, but they say it nicely. They go with you window shopping, they let you cry on their shoulders, they give you advice on hair and make-up, and they are really fun when dancing. They probably will not watch football on Sunday or play cards on Tuesday or Thursday. They will not belch loudly after every meal or beverage they ingest and will not spit on the ground every two minutes. They are generally well read, have a great relationships with their mothers and yours too. They beautifully decorate your house and they like to throw great parties with exotic food and the latest drinks. When they look at you, they look into your eyes. They watch any type of movies, even German or Japanese ones, and they like to talk about them when leaving the cinema or discuss possible endings and the actors´ performances. They try new flavours and they can even have dinner without meat. However, that wonderful complexity and common sense is useless since, just like women, they like less evolved primates. Such a shame…
Anyway, the only thing left to tell these guys is that they should read more. Reading perfects the “parla”.